Several members of the Chukar Harbor Ancient Order of Sportsmen (CHAOS) were gathered in the backroom of Abel Andretti’s Chukar Harbor Hardware Store discussing their upcoming trip to the Manasadi River. Abel’s nephew, Ruff Andretti, who worked in the store with Abel but was not an outdoorsman, showed some interest in the camping trip.
"I might come up for a few nights." Ruff said. "Relaxing at the picnic table and reading a good novel sounds … "
"Whoa, boy!" Abel interrupted his nephew. "No self-respecting outdoorsman sits at a picnic table. In our opinion, picnic tables are unnecessary and completely out of place in a forest." Largefonte and C.F. Icair nodded in agreement.
"Well, if you fellas don’t like the tables, why don’t you just move them to an empty campsite?" asked the young Andretti.
"Some people attach their children to them at meal time because the tables are so heavy a large crop of young-uns can’t run off with them." Icair observed. "Besides, if you want to move one of those tables to another campsite, you have to submit an eighty-page request to the state requesting a crane or other suitable vehicle, like a helicopter, to move the table for you."
"The problem with that approach is that the processing time for the request exceeds the maximum allowable occupancy for the campsite by about two years." Abel replied. Icair continued.
"We thought about attaching a strong line, about 4-tons breaking strength, to the frame of an eight cylinder, four wheel drive truck with a low gear range to drag the table to a more suitable location in the campground, like a deep gully." Ruff Andretti was rolling his eyes and slowly shaking his head.
"Problem is that none of us drive an eight-cylinder, four-wheel drive truck that has a low gear range, not to mention that we would have to dig said gully. Instead, we have developed another option to "eliminate" the picnic tables." Largefonte said. "We hide them."
"How do you hide a picnic table in the middle of a campsite?" Ruff asked, knowing he was sorry he asked as soon as the words left his mouth.
"It requires years of experience and cunning adaptation." Icair said. "We used to cook over open-fired coals with flimsy, aluminum mess kits that weighed about four ounces. Now we use at least two propane stoves per campsite along with stacks of paper plates and bowls, and several cast iron pans and kettles."
The younger Andretti listened intently. With his head tilted back, he stared at the ceiling. The group knew he was trying to capture every word as they explained other items that help a picnic table disappear. Things like bottles and cans, preferably partially filled with alcohol-based liquids are required for appropriate woodland ambiance. They calculated that no less than a dozen bottles and cans are required, not including any full replacements that are stored in ice chests.
Abel explained to his nephew that instead of gathering food from the forest to supplement small packets of dehydrated food, like they used to do, they now employ at least one 50-quart cooler per camper. Other necessities include several piles of canned or boxed goods, and a bag or two of pretzels or nuts.
"At least two five-gallon containers of water are required to avoid walking to the campground’s pump when we need water, usually in a downpour or in the dead of night." Largefonte added. "Of course, the presence of water containers also requires an assortment of thermos bottles, metal cups, and coffeepots."
Icair explained that other things like fly-tying benches, books, assorted pieces of fishing equipment, and a box of flies are added as needed once on-site.
"Once we even used a wash basin, a bottle of dish soap, and dishrags. Although they were creative and elegant additions to the concealment, we never intended those items to be used, of course."
"Concealing a picnic table in the middle of a campsite requires a well-planned approach and strict discipline regarding your supplies." Largefonte declared. "The camp stove(s) are placed at the end(s) of the table, just in case we have to cook or make emergency coffee," declared Largefonte.
"Between the cook stoves, we add the food, bottles, dishes, and pots to conceal the top." Abel said to his nephew who was still shaking his head, but with his eyes closed.
"We place the water containers on the benches of the table to conceal them, and to prevent any passing children from getting the silly idea of sitting at the picnic table," grumbled Erasmus B. Draggin. "If there are insufficient water containers, alternative materials like sacks of potatoes, or canned goods are added to the benches".
"Ice chests are located on the ground to conceal the legs of the table." Icair added. "That way we can slide them under the benches at night to prevent raccoons from stealing our food. Hey, that’s the one redeeming value of a picnic table, Abel!"
Ruff Andretti opened his eyes when he heard his uncle speak.
"C.F. came up with one last devious technique to properly hide a picnic table." Abel said to his nephew. "We suspend a tarp over the table in such a manner that when we are gathered under the tarp enjoying the campfire (or the rain) and eating, our camp chairs provide additional screening of the picnic table."
Icair also keenly observed that everyone who passes by stares at the strangely sagging tarp and doesn’t notice the table, but tarping a campsite is another topic.
The photo below demonstrates a CHAOS picnic table early in the process of being properly concealed.
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